I've been watching a lot of Cinemax lately. I realize that it may be morally and legally wrong for me to share intellectual property that I paid for on cable with others, but: FUCK YOU, BIG BROTHER! YOU CAN SUCK MY SCHLINGER! Having said that, I can now bring you the following movie reviews: _Color of Night_ - 1994 - Bruce Willis, Jane March - Let me start off by saying that you can either fast forward through this flick and smack it to sex scenes where a tasty waif gets schling-banged by Hudson Hawk, or watch it carefully and enjoy the engrossing suspense story line like the low-class aesthetic experience that it is. Lots of crazy whack-jobs in it, that behave real funny like (I can't relate to that whatsoever... tee hee ) Some fairly decent gore perpretated by a nihistic sociopathic artist. I've said enough. Basically, I thought that this movie would suck because it had Bruce Willis in it, but... don't turn the dial yet. This movie appeals to perverts of all kinds which is why I give it two asteriskes: ** _Caligula_ - 1980 - Malcom McDowell, a buncha ho's - Hail Caligula! Awww yeah! This was an amazing film: a visually stunning recreation of ancient Rome with portrayals of nasty sex of equal quality. Praise Bob (Guccione.) This flick also has all kinds of whacky Freudian undertones (Caligula gives the 'ol schling-danger to his dead sister), and once again we can laugh at the antics of other schiz-jobs when Caligula makes his horse senator (Hee hee, I would have done that, too if I was a Roman Emporer.) Because of the amount of ass-slamming sex and amusing portrayals of mental illness - two ingredients that have NEVER gone wrong for wunderkind Malcom McDowell (see his _Disturbed_ if you doubt this) I would give this film the unprecedentedly high two and half asterskes: **.5... But I won't. I won't, goddamn it, because those sons of bitches at Cinemax aired the *cut* and *highly censored* version of this film. FUCK YOU, YOU NAZI BASTARDS! DIE, FUCKING DIE AND ROT IN HELL! In case you're wondering, the censored version gets one pound sign: # which signifies one pound of stinky fundamentalist poopy. _Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Next Generation_ - Matthew McConeghy, Rene Zellewiger (hot) - I didn't expect much, but BOY WAS I WRONG! This is a great fuckin' movie. I have to say, however: not nearly enough gruesome gore to satiate my appetite for smut. They should have a rule that at least two people get ripped in half by a demon that spits lasers in every gore movie. Disappointing in that respect, but I enjoyed the film's dark humor, or at least what I perceived to be dark humor. The fact that Matthew McConwhatever's character was cybernetic and had a machine leg because he was run over by so many cars was cool. I have a soft spot in my heart for that type of shit. When it comes time to dole out the ever-so-important and valued rating that I give to flicks like this, it was difficult: on the one hand, not one whack-worthy sex scene. On the other hand, there was a chick getting lit on fire, which immortalizes this film in the ranks of movies with bitches getting lit on fire. (While I'm morally disgusted by this idea, it is pretty GODDAMNED COOL-LOOKIN'!) This movie has earned an ever-so-small fraction of my respect, which is why it receives the grade of one and a half asteriskes: *.5 Thank you for reading these favorable movie reviews (I did my best to be charitable to them, I swear.) Have a favorable day.