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Great. Hope he gets a job to feed his family that requires him to do something really, really hard, like, say, scarfer in a steel mill or something. But my Magic Powers allow me to read between the lines of that purple prose and provide a translation: TO: Visitors and Patrons of the ChildCare Action Project: Christian Analysis of American Culture (CAP) Ministry FROM: The CAP president [Of a staff consisting of me and my browbeaten wife, my nine mindfucked children, and the inheritance we have lived off of since her parents died] This is a very painful message, so please bear with me. This hurts immensely, quite likely more than you can fathom, [Because I am so much more spiritually evolved than you. And I'm humble too.] but I owe it to you to give notice rather than just let you find out. For four years this month we have kept this ministry going on family funds, but now there are no more. We must essentially shut down so I can devote the regular day to finding a secular job. [The heathens seem to pay better. The voice in my head kept saying the check was in the mail.] To the folks who have given: to the less than 0.01% of our visitors and patrons who have donated their hard-earned money, I am so sorry. So, so sorry. [That there weren't more suckers like you out there. Dammit, if Jimmy Bakker can get a free ride for years *and* get to bang his secretary, I shoulda got a living wage at least. And I'm being very passive aggressive by mentioning that 0.01% so maybe you'll be ashamed and send me some anyway.] In the three of the four years of this ministry I have taken three temporary jobs to provide for the family, but they were woefully inadequate for a family of nine. [My wife threatened to live me three times so I got a temp job. Office Temps doesn't pay well for an unskilled looney, and they don't understand my higher calling there, which is why I had to leave each time.] The likelihood of finding a fulltime family-supporting job at 50 years old in the secular world is not high, but as with everything else this matter is in the Hands of our Lord. [Who is giving me a big swat on the ass with those Hands right about now.] The email prayer support services and other email ministering services and the website will remain active since they are paid for until January 2000, but there will be very few if any new postings to the website. [I had to pay for the autoresponder service a year in advance because my credit report had WORTHLESS WEIRDO stamped on it in big red letters.] I can already hear some folks with good intentions and a good heart say This is His Will. To that I say it is not. [Because that would be admitting that I was supercilious fool trying to scam some bucks off my feigned moral indignation and poor writing skills by wrapping it in religion so I wouldn't have to get a real job to support these nine children of an unemployed wingnut father, and I couldn't go to dirty movies without feeling guilty.] I say that it is the will of the people, not Him. [Otherwise, I'll have to either admit that God's Will is about as meaningful as a fart in a hurricane, or that God wants me to do something I don't want to do, such as work for a living.] He has done His Part and has given us a chance to do our part. [And hardly any of you fucking sheep sent me any money, yet you still give to Swaggart after he's been busted twice with whores. That's so unfair! I should be able to fleece the flock too, and I've never even been caught jacking off in the movies, not even that time at Basic Instinct.] I will do what I can to provide media analyses with what He gives me. [I'll still blow the money I earn going to dirty movies and bloviating to everyone I meet while my wife tries to figure out how to feed eleven people with two packs of Ramen Noodles and a carton of expired cream cheese.]
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